This is my World....

Of Random musing and vacant thoughts….

Ankita — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 23:34:55 +0000

The lonely street so beautiful and bare,

Seasons pass by without a care

She stares from the window with a vacant look

At a paper boat sailing in the brook.

The endless void, it carries her by

To yesteryears that make her cry

Shattered dreams and broken hearts

Countless moments of playing different parts.

A simple life twisted and tangled

Abundant fears that leave us strangled

Of words unspoken and swallowed down

Of incessant tears and not a frown.

Open wounds that refuse to heal

Stagnant blood, she ceases to feel

Shadows of the past all merged in one

Of endless farewells when they were done.

The shroud of happiness it gives away

And exposes the truth she kept at bay

Naked and cold she stares ahead

The happy times forgotten and dead.

Her honesty always pushed them away

Those she loved and wanted to stay

And now she stands numb and alone

Amidst walls of despair, a block of stone.

The paper boat now fades from view

Those misty eyes have lost their hue

Of untold tales and myriad defeats

Of attempts to stop those pained heart beats.

Tired and listless, she turns to rest

The fight is over, she failed the test

And now she lives to bear the cross

Of a truth concealed and a painful loss.

Can’t put down a name..

Ankita — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 18:31:18 +0000

” Well i want to write about you, how your smile means the world to me. How i fell in love with you, how you’ve hurt me and made me cry and how in an instant you’ve made everything perfect. You know on the shores of life people walk and leave their imprints and then waves come and with time those imprints get merged back into the shores of life. But for me you are the wave. The one thing that shall always make other impressions dissappear and stay with me all my life coming constantly with grace and peace. The nature fascinates me- a walk in the rain, a stroll in the wind that just brushes your face and makes you feel rejuvenated, a walk along a lake- so peaceful, so quiet, moonlight shimmering on a silent river making a path on the river and inviting anyone and everyone to come. But you fascinate me more. I’ve always wanted memories with you and all i have are images.-

Images to live by,
Images to keep.
Images till i die,
Making me laugh and weep.

Images that are too good,
& images better still.
Images of walking in the green wood
& together enjoying the winter chill

Images of sorrow and of pain,
Images one wonders whether to hold.
Images have feelings i can’t explain,
& emotions that can’t be told.

Images can’t let go off these,
Also can’t let go off you.
You are the one bringing serenity and peace,
Guess thats what makes love so true.

Images from the distant past,
Images from time yet to arrive.
Images being moulded and recast,
Giving my throbbing heart a life.

Images are dreams with open eyes,
A silent prayer for our desire.
They are wishes in disguise,
Being wished by heart with all its fire.

In the sparkling sun i’ve imagined,
Happy both of us, you and me.
What are the chances i fancied,
Both being together and free.

Breaking chains that bind,
& so many cages still to break.
Cause so many roads left to find,
& yet so many paths to make.

I’m always wishing you were here,
In heart, body and soul with me.
So that my images would bear,
the fruits of dreams that were supposed to be. “

(This was written by someone who doesn’t want his name to be disclosed but these words so touched my soul that I urged him to allow me to put this up on my blog even if I had to do it without a name)

Feel it on your fingertips….

Ankita — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 06:33:38 +0000

The rains…I hated them! They were about muddy roads, messy clothes, cancelled trips to the market, puchka sacrifices (ofcourse the chatpata water could cause jaundice!) and worst of all, a constant state of depression caused by a weather devoid of sunlight. Well- Dehradun rainfall could do that to you, it was incessant, the ‘Raining cats and dogs’ idiom would apply without a thought and to give you a sense of it, we beat Cherrapunji !! Needless to say, the monsoon in Dehradun was wetter than the sea.

This year Delhi seems to have taken that place (of leaving the sea far behind). But it’s the strangest thing that as much as I try to remind myself of all the hatred I have for this season, I can’t seem to stop falling in love with the rains. Each time I stand in my balcony and look out at the rain, there is a sense of calmness and peace that pervades every part of my mind, body and soul. It’s beautiful, this rain….reminds me of Madonna’s song- ‘Rain’ and this other song titled- ‘Lady Rain’. It makes me want to go into a forest and keep looking at the lush green trees, the droplets shining on their leaves as the sun emerges from behind the clouds and the animals scurrying past each other. Each time I imagine this scene, a smile lights up on my face and I love the rains even more. Ofcourse, the city has its own charm- school children dressed in colourful raincoats and gumboots, hopping to school, enjoying the water on the roads and jumping into every puddle on their way. The school reminds me of this fascinating story our teachers told us – every time the sun came out while it was raining, it meant that a fox was getting married! Don’t blame the child’s imagination if she runs out everytime there is a sunshower, hoping to see a fox getting married. You can’t miss the rainbow can you? Something we all associate with the rains. A multicoloured piece of art as real as colours on a canvas.

These rains open up a world of imagination and as you look out of the window, every droplet brings back a plethora of memories, of you and your best friend playing Hide and Seek in the rain, of paper boats sailing in the stream formed outside your house, of movies, popcorn and friends, of lovers huddled under a tree smiling at each other, of your family and yummy ‘pakodas’, of a cup of steaming coffee and a certain ‘Love Story’ that brings tears to your eyes and makes you wish from the deepest core of your heart that the love that YOU have, lasts forever.

My Betrayal

Ankita — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 18:50:28 +0000

It all began on a cold night,

I walked alone on deserted streets,

Too hurt to call you by my side

Too proud for strangers to view my defeat.

The moon it cast a thousand shadows,

Stars sparkled in the shimmering sea,

My vacant eyes stared ahead in space

Time had consumed both you and me.

He came up slowly by my side,

And touched me tenderly on my hand.

Surprised I turned and looked at him,

The sea thrashed its waves on the land.

Uneasiness soon gave way to comfort,

He had the kindest eyes I had ever seen,

No words were spoken by any of us

I felt intrigued in a way I’d never been.

He asked if I would walk along,

I nodded my consent in the strangest way.

Wondering what drew me to his side

Hoping my heart wouldn’t give me away.

Two blocks down we came to his house

I waited for him to call me in,

He held my hand and guided me thru

I knew I’d surrendered to the original sin.

My eyes wandered in the living room

It lay illuminated in the silver moonlight,

Fire crackled steadily by the couch

Greeting the visitor of the bitter night.

Warmth filled up my entire body

I hung my coat on the rack nearby,

He strode in quietly with glasses of wine

And sat down beside me with a sigh.

As I sipped my wine, I glanced up once

He gazed at me with knowing eyes,

I tried to comprehend my feelings then,

Wondering if I had broken all other ties.

He removed the pin from my knotted hair,

They cascaded softly over my face,

He clasped my hands and drew me near,

Reluctantly I succumbed to passion’s pace.

Those frozen tears fell down at last

I held him close all through the night,

The morning rays now touched my skin

I woke up feeling complete and right.

You waited for me all night long

Never moved an inch from the door side,

Dawn crept in slowly thru the windows

The flowers in our garden had withered and died.

I walked in quietly through the door,

Your face lit up with a childlike smile

You embraced me in your loving way

I stood rigid and abashed all the while.

You pulled away confused and hurt,

I yearned to hold you one last time

Then spoke the truth in a single breath

Your silence killed me for my crime.

No shouts of hatred or anger prevailed,

Your face contorted in agony and pain

I turned away to hide my tears,

You wondered if your love had been in vain.

I lay crying by the couch,

You came and wiped my running tears,

I struggled to look up at your face

You seem to have abandoned all your fears.

Resigned to fate as you had never been

My heart broke into a million parts,

Your comfort and serenity pained me so

You possessed the purest of all hearts.

I packed my bags and got up to go,

Our memories came crashing thru the walls

You stood in a corner and watched me sob,

My vows seemed to echo in all the halls.

Today I see a broken house,

Your memories in my heart still run deep.

You forgave my betrayal with a smile,

I rest my head on your grave and weep…

Hold on to your faith….

Ankita — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 07:36:45 +0000

Its been 4 months since I wrote. Not too surprising for me though, like I mentioned in my first post, I Am much of a ‘phasal’ writer. The year 2007 has finally come to an end. Eventful as it had been, I’m glad that we have another year or if I may add, another 10 months to look forward to. Life in its (I’d just say obvious) ways teaches us to leave our past behind and embrace what the future holds for us. Maybe for me, my writing helps me do that…

This period of hibernation though, allowed my pen to feel happily useless lying on my desk,…guess I ought to employ it for more useful purposes sometimes….I meant to end the year on a good note and here I am 2 months into the New Year, trying my best to project those thoughts and feelings on to February.

Before we touch upon the good notes though, I feel compelled to share with you some jarring music that taught me the essence of melody (I guess that’s flowery language but it probably helps to sound esoteric at times). In the month of November, I fell rather ill. Now, even though I AND the Doctor were sure that it was one of those frequent viral attacks, after 2 weeks of antibiotics and no relief, I was asked to undergo a couple of tests. While the tests were only mildly painful (I don’t really suffer from Needle phobia), the results became a cause of concern for me. I AM a strong woman, (or so I tell myself), however, this one diagnosis shattered my peace beyond repair and from that moment on, my life became a series of miserable and confused resignations to a ubiquitous Fate , an illness that I have been trying to grapple with gracefully, a mental trauma and an incessant fear that despite being a psychologist I’ve been trying to battle with unsuccessfully.

Sounds crazy doesn’t it?? That’s close to how I had become, balancing on the thin line that could easily allow me to slip into the realm of madness. The only thing then that helped me hold on to what we define as sanity was FAITH….faith in my Doctor and the medicines that I had been put on to, faith in my body’s ability to heal and regenerate all that had been lost, faith in my family’s and friends’ capacity to love and stay with me and most importantly, Faith in God and His blessings to keep me strong and hopeful in the adversities of life. That’s all that it takes, just one word, FAITH. This incident helped me restore the one most important relationship that I had lost in the past couple of years…my relationship with God. And as much as I have suffered and fought my fears in the past 3 months, I can only say that I am glad that this came to me. It brought me closer to my family, made me stronger as a person and most of all strengthened my belief in God and the beautiful life that He created for us. If only we learnt to respect it and value it, we’d be able to “Heal the world” and “make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race….”…There isn’t anything half as precious as this life, don’t abuse it…you’ll never know when adversity walks in through your door and takes away the only thing that is truly yours, your Life….

The Spirit of Love

Ankita — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 06:39:54 +0000

As I gazed at the stars
Strewed in the heaven above,
A great ecstasy possessed me
And it rose again,the spirit of love.
Soon it grew restless in me,
As I looked far down to the shimmering sea.

I walked out of my cottage
On that warm summer night,
Filled with the bliss of solitude
Into that blessed heaven of moonlight.
My heart was light and I felt as though
I had drifted with the wind, blowing so low.

Dawn crept on……….
Slowly and steadily
Then I saw the first rays of the morning sun,
As though emerging from the sea that flowed so gently.
I heard the birds chirping that morning was here
And looked at the trees so evergreen and dear.

I sat there on the castle ruins
And noticed not the creeping hours of time,
I had not thought that it was a Sunday,
Until I heard the bells of the church chime.
And then towards the church I ran,
Down the path which was so less frequented by man.

My heart I felt was overflowing
With life’s sweet happiness and joy,
And then I knew that the spirit of love
Had bound me to all these natural things,
Just as a child is bound to his toy!

(This poem was written in school. Coming back from my school’s golden jubilee, the memories are so fresh in my mind. Couldn’t help but bring out the feelings from my school life here…)

‘This is for you Sir’

Ankita — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 15:47:14 +0000

This should have come in way before. Its been delayed by 8 years and it took a movie like ‘Chak De India’ to make me pen this down. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, I’d say get the tickets to the next show and rush. A brilliant concept at the core and add to that even more brilliant and natural acting. It didn’t feel like a movie, it was as real as life could be. My belief that Indian movies were far removed from reality changed the instant I saw this movie. This time it formed an instant connect and here I am, sharing the feelings it evoked in me.
There’s a game and another life I associate myself with….the game is Basketball and the life is my school years. For 8 years I studied in a school that gave me everything a child could dream of. A student, a player, a performer, an achiever, a thinker and last but not the least a ‘Hero’. Ofcourse here I’m talking about the movie of our lives where each one of us plays the protagonist and as the years pass by, the villain, director and supporting actors fall in place. My support in school- my Basketball coach. I played basketball for all 8 years in school. From the junior team, I graduated to the senior team and eventually went on to become the Team Captain. The memories still seem so young and fresh. The BBCs, acronym for Basket Ball Court, IPSC-Indian Public School Conference, District championships, Woodstock tournament, Mayo, Daly college, Modern-Barakhamba and Sanawar…phew..that was the list of our closest contenders. During my tenure in school, my coach took the team for several tournaments in and outside the city. And while the school championships were a treat to revel in (most of the matches were played at our school, we had the advantage of being the Home Team), the district level championships often turned out to be nightmares in disguise- playing matches in scorching heat, spending our nights without electricity on wet carpets in municipal school classrooms, match referees playing foul in the games and a jeering crowd always ready to distract you and have you thrown out of the game. Yet, we lasted. And what made us last was the undying belief our coach had in us that we could win the game.
The first thing he taught us was discipline. From getting up at 5 a.m to playing 6 hours in a day to being thrown out from the team for unpunctuality and casual approach, we had done it all. As little as it took me to despise him for his harsh approach, I chose not to quit. He taught me to love the game and in due course of time I developed the utmost respect for his methodology and his actions. He taught the team the essence of teamwork. I can’t remember a time when I felt that I needed to outperform others and get the cup for ‘Best Player’ and the likes. I learnt that victory savored as a team was far sweeter than victory savored as an individual. The second thing I learnt from him was to develop passion for the game. They say, ’Nothing great in this world has ever been accomplished without passion’. Passion is the driving force that makes us want to do things and do them with perfection. He always said,’ Play only as much as you know and what you know but go all out. Don’t restrict yourself; give your life to this game.’ He taught us to have courage and feel confident of ourselves. He read books on Sports Psychology to understand the team better. He taught us to remain grounded in reality and never get over-confident- ‘Never underestimate your opponent’. More than a Victory v/s Failure stance, it was really about giving it your best and playing a game that compelled your opponents to congratulate you even if you had lost it. Failure always made me too harsh on myself. Every time we lost a game, I sulked and cried in frustration. My coach taught me to take defeat gracefully and learn from it rather than blame anyone for it. I learnt the spirit of sportsmanship.
I can never forget the endless number of times we were thrown out from the Team for acting like ‘Seniors’ and not listening to our coach. We would hide away in balconies and watch the moves being taught to the team, trying our best to grasp them. But despite the anger, we always came back… whether it was with apologetic faces or with ‘Sorry’ cards and flowers. If not 100%, he was right 99% of the times. Practice makes a man perfect…boy do I believe in this!!!! Endless baskets shot in practice sessions and yet endless shots missed in the game. It was always about working hard and playing even harder. Then, I didn’t understand the force and passion of my coach, today I look up to him and feel inspired by him.
And while we all believed that when leaving school, ‘Thank You’ cards did justice to conveying our gratitude to our teachers, I want to add, there will never be a greater reward for our teachers than remembering them for who they were and applying all that they taught, in our lives. I want to ‘Thank You’ Sir for making me the person that I am. You gave me the power to believe in myself, to get up every time I fell, to remain grounded in reality, to love this game and most of all, to dream big and live that dream!

The Promise

Ankita — Sun, 12 Aug 2007 18:49:52 +0000

In a forgotten world
In a forgotten place,
The evening shrouds my existence
As I stand alone, visualizing your face.

The blazing sun turns deep orange
Healing a broken heart,
Butterflies dance over smiling flowers
Each one playing its part.

Ripples disturb the tranquil sea
It mirrors my amused and distorted face,
Leaves crunch beneath my feet
Time since long had lost its pace.

Life, is it an illusion?
I ask myself over and over again
Will my eyes hold back the tears?
Will my heart soak up the pain?

As darkness descends on Earth,
It unveils the twinkling stars,
The moon peeps from behind the clouds
And your smile brightens up those passing hours.

I wait yet another day
My eyes search for you in vain,
The sun rises behind the sea
Endless hours to overcome again.

I walk into the mesmerizing sea
My incessant wait comes to an end,
Water closes quickly around my face
Embracing me as a close friend.

You sleep curled up like a child
I smile from the heavens above,
Vowing to always be by your side
I fulfill my promise made in love!!

Its coming…and real fast!!!

Ankita — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 06:55:31 +0000

For those of you who watch National Geographic regularly, you may have watched a program some days back that was titled-‘The Big Freeze’. I happened to watch it by chance…. ofcourse since then I’ve thanked the transport team endlessly for having missed my name from the cab roster and given me the opportunity to utilize the extra hours watching something valuable that has helped me enhance my knowledge.
As I surfed the T.V channels to search for something worthwhile, Nat Geo caught my attention. Being the nature lover that I am, I feel rather drawn to watching programs on Discovery and National Geographic. That day, what made me stop at this particular channel was a picture of a frozen city. Every part of the city was covered under a blanket of ice, it looked abandoned and I must add eerie in a sense. Feeling intrigued by that picture, I decided to watch on. What I saw for the next half an hour left such an impact on me that I haven’t stopped thinking about it ever since and here I am, trying to leave a teenie – weenie bit of that mark on you.
We’re all aware that the climate of Earth has undergone several changes before finally settling into something that is comfortable and that has encouraged the survival of mankind. They call this the ‘Interglacial’ period. While the last ice age hit us thousands of years ago, scientists predict the next ice age to settle in far sooner than you can imagine. It jerks you out of your comfort zone to imagine that there is a possibility that this warm climate that we have been enjoying since time immemorial is going to come to an end with sheets of white throwing us into oblivion. Let me share with you the most relevant theory that Nat Geo brought to light for explaining the speeding of the Ice age. Ironic as it may seem, the phenomenon linked closest to this explanation is ‘Global Warming’!! That took you by surprise didn’t it?? It had me gaping at the screen for a couple of seconds trying hard for it to sink in – ‘Warming’ can cause ‘Cooling’???
Anyway, here goes the explanation in the words of Terrence Joyes and Lloyd Keigwin, Senior Scientists- “In order to balance the excess heating near the equator and cooling at the poles of the earth, both atmosphere and ocean transport heat from low to high latitudes. Warmer surface water is cooled at high latitudes, releasing heat to the atmosphere, which is then radiated away to space. This heat engine operates to reduce equator-to-pole temperature differences and is a prime moderating mechanism for climate on Earth. As the ocean waters are cooled in their poleward journey, they become denser. If sufficiently cooled, they can sink to form cold dense flows that spread equatorward at great depths, thus perpetuating the circulation system that transports warm surface flows toward high latitude oceans.” This is called the ‘Great Ocean Conveyer.’
The ‘Great Ocean Conveyer’ is a big contributor in maintaining a stable climate and in ensuring that the heat is distributed evenly throughout the planet. However, over the past few years, scientists have noticed a slowdown in this belt. Global warming has been causing the glaciers in Arctic to melt, hence forcing tons of fresh water into the ocean. Fresh water being less dense does not sink to the bottom of the ocean. Since the circulation system is maintained by cold water moving towards the equator and warm water towards the poles, the cold water movement has slowed down, hence leading to an overall slowing down of the Ocean Conveyer. If the Ocean Conveyer was to come to a halt, there would be no heat distribution at the poles eventually leading to a ‘Mini Ice Age.’
I could never imagine that the oceans are responsible for maintaining a stable climate in such a big way. It has truly made me stop back and think, will the coming generations really get a chance to see our planet the way it has existed for us…we’ve led to the near extinction of so many animals, felled trees and substituted the lush jungles with concrete ones, played with the law of nature, encouraged the release of harmful gases into the environment, lost our civic sense and dirtied our surroundings, wasted electricity and water, encouraged the use of plastic bags and polluted not only our cities but the planet altogether. Is this really what we want our children to grow up and look forward to?? I shudder at the thought of even giving birth to my child in a world where we’re ensuring that the future only spells ‘Disaster’.
The question that confronts us then, is, “What can ‘I’ do to contribute to a healthy environment?” While it may look like a mammoth task – stopping global warming, here are some of the simple yet effective ways-
1. Replace the standard light bulbs with energy efficient
fluorescents
2. Drive less-whenever possible walk, bike or carpool
3. Unplug your charger after use
4. Plant a tree!!!!

That can’t take much can it??? While it may sound a tedious task, replacing all your light bulbs or walking when you know the car stands in your garage, look at the difference ‘WE’ can make to the environment if each one of us took up this cause. The pieces of the World will automatically fall in place if we made the effort to put ourselves together. We can plant a tree can’t we??? Are you still waiting????

Anonymous

Ankita — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 04:35:53 +0000

When I sit here all alone
And there’s darkness all around,
I wonder if the hurt inside
Will ever make a sound.

When the silence has enveloped me
And tears glisten in my eyes,
I wonder if anyone will care
And hear those stifled cries.

When I’m lost in this confusion
And drowning in the sea,
I wonder for how long the child inside
Will keep longing to be free.

When life’s become an abstract game
Where winning or losing is part of the trend,
I wonder for how long we’ll actually lose
And pretend to win in the end!!